Chapter 380: Home and Family
He said he’s waiting for my answer.
How could I possibly answer him?
I so desperately wanted to say yes. I wanted to go home every day with someone I loved and hear them say, "Good work today."
I wanted to, on our days off, cook a messy dinner together, then laugh and wrinkle our noses while we polished every last bite.
I wanted, when I was exhausted, to have someone listen to me say, "I’m so tired," and then let me lean on their shoulder and cry silently for a while.
But was that kind of life something I deserved?
This morning, while I was making breakfast, the buttered bread slipped from my hand. I thought it was about to dirty the carpet, but I bent down and snatched it out of the air in a flash.
The move was so clean it was almost like something out of a martial arts film.
But when I straightened up, the room was empty.
I wished so badly that someone had been there watching me, that I could have smiled and asked, "Wasn't that impressive?"
I wanted them to laugh and teasingly say they’d never seen a lawyer with such quick reflexes.
Then we would have happily started that day—or every day after.
I really wanted to say yes to him.
But doing that would be selfish. It wouldn’t be fair to him.
As I said, I am a person riddled with holes. A miserable childhood shaped my stubbornness and isolation; a chaotic family of origin left me mired in anxiety and sorrow every single day. I can’t bring all that baggage into a relationship.
It wouldn’t be fair to my partner.
Xiao Sun is a native of Chengdu. Both his parents work in the arts and cultural field. They were so polite and refined that I remembered them clearly from just one meeting. His family is a lot like mine—also "blessed with both a son and a daughter." Xiao Sun has a younger sister.
The fact that his parents were willing to have a daughter after already having a son seemed almost unbelievable to me.
Moreover, I’ve met that girl. She’s been doted on by her parents and brother since childhood. That sharp, confident radiance just bursts out of her, unstoppable. She conquers everything in her path.
But what am I?
I’m a monster.
"I can't say yes," I said in a low voice. When those words left my mouth, I felt as if an invisible blade had cut into me.
"Wh-Why?" Xiao Sun said urgently, "Sister Zhang, did I... did I rush things? If you need time to think it over, I can wait..."
"We're both adults. We don't play the childish games. This isn't something that needs time to think about." I shook my head. "No means no. I'm sorry."
Seeing the dejected look on Xiao Sun's face, I felt that invisible blade slice through me again.
It hurt.
"O-Okay..." Xiao Sun nodded, his expression crestfallen. "Sister Zhang, don't apologize to me. I'm the one who should apologize. I'm... I'm really sorry..."
"No need for that." I smiled at him. "It's good that you spoke up. Xiao Sun, you're a very outstanding person. I rejected you because of my own issues. I hope you won't be too upset."
"Mmm..." Though he nodded, I could see from his eyes that he was deeply hurt.
After attending Mengmeng's wedding, I gave her half a month off.
Even though she wanted to come back to work, a honeymoon is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. I would rather she take paid leave than waste that precious time on work.
A week passed quickly. Xiao Sun and I handled a commercial dispute case together, but due to insufficient evidence from both sides, it wasn't adjudicated this time. A second hearing would be held soon.
"Xiao Sun, please keep an eye on things for the next couple of days," I said. "I need to go home."
"Home?" He raised an eyebrow. "Sister Zhang, every time you get a call from home, you look really upset. Did something happen?"
"No, it's good news." I smiled. "My younger brother is getting married."
"Younger brother...?" Xiao Sun looked genuinely surprised. "Sister Zhang, you have a younger brother?"
"Yes."
"You really kept that under wraps. You've never mentioned having a brother."
"Not mentioning it doesn't mean I don't have one." I let out a long breath. "I haven't been home in years. This is the last time. No matter what, I have to show my face."
"The last time...?" Xiao Sun clearly didn't understand. "Can there be a 'last time' when it comes to seeing your own brother?"
"Yes." I, however, seemed somewhat cheerful. "Anyway, I'll be back soon. At most a day, maybe two. Please take care of things at the firm while I'm gone."
"Don't worry, Sister Zhang. No problem." Xiao Sun nodded. "But... do you need me to drive you? Are you driving back?"
"Not driving." I said. "No need to be flashy. I'll take the bus back."
"Okay. Stay safe, and send me a message on WeChat when you arrive."
"Will do." I nodded and then added, "If anything comes up at home, you can take care of it too. There shouldn't be any other cases besides that commercial dispute."
"I live right here in Chengdu!" Xiao Sun said with a smile. "Don't worry, I'll hold down the fort."
Seeing Xiao Sun like this made me feel happy.
He wasn't distancing himself from me just because I'd turned him down.
As long as I could work with people I knew, it gave me confidence.
He would definitely find a better partner. But that person could never be me.
I bought a bus ticket, changed into casual clothes, and set off.
There was no way I was going to let the villagers know how well I was doing in Chengdu. Otherwise, they would become a bottomless pit hovering over my life, draining every last drop of blood from me.
A bus ticket, ordinary clothes, and just the right amount of light makeup—that was all I needed for this trip.
I'm just an ordinary person. I don't have extra money to support them, nor do I have the ability to find city jobs for any idle loafers. I am who I am—an ordinary person.
The bus left Chengdu and wound through the mountain roads for about two hours before finally dropping me off at a place ten kilometers from the village.
Next, I had to take an unlicensed cab, then switch to a motorized tricycle.
I had set out in the morning, but it wasn't until dusk that I finally entered the village.
The village was indeed preparing for a wedding. Tables were set up all along the roads, and red paper was plastered on the utility poles. The wedding was scheduled to start tomorrow.
"Laidi?!" An auntie suddenly recognized me.
"Yes." I nodded at her. "I'm back."
"Tch..." She gave a slight, disdainful pursing of her lips, then forced an ugly smile. "How many years has it been since you came back? Is the city really that great?"
"It's not." I shook my head. "But Chengcai is getting married. I'm his elder sister, so I had to come back."
"Is that so?" She smirked without any warmth and nodded. "Then get on home."
I nodded back at her, took a deep breath, and headed toward "home."
From the first day I entered high school, I had never lived at home.
During the school year, I stayed in the dormitory. On weekends and during winter and summer breaks, I worked outside. This place was foreign to me.
The atmosphere of the villagers also weighed heavily on me. They were like the world's best intelligence agents—every word you said in your own home would be spread throughout the village by the next day.
Especially about me.
A stubborn woman who refused to earn tuition for her younger brother and insisted on going to school herself.
A dissolute woman who fell in love with the "glitter and debauchery" of the city and refused to come home and visit.
A pitiful woman who was over thirty and still unmarried, with no one willing to take her in.
A stingy woman who wouldn't contribute to her brother's wedding or help with a down payment on a house.
A failed woman who, after more than a decade of hard work, still hadn't "returned home in glory."
That's how the villagers saw me. I was the village's famous laughingstock.
My existence was a classic topic that every household would never tire of discussing.